Week 8, Managing Conflict

I appreciated Brother Norton's question on ways we consecrate ourselves for our spouse or marriage. It really made me think about what it is I give to my marriage. And is it enough? I also had to share this scripture that was shared by Lynn G. Robbins in "Agency and Anger" from the Ensign in 1998. He shared 3 Nephi 11:29. This is a scripture my mom quoted ALL the time growing up. "He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” I mostly remember hearing "Contention is of the devil!" Not surprisingly, I use this all the time with my kids. Conflict and argument is always going to occur in relationships, but remembering that contention is of the devil is so important to remember. It is not what Heavenly Father wants to see in our relationships.

 

In Gottman's book, he suggests 5 steps in helping to handle conflict. They are:

 

1) Soften your startup,

2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts,

3) Soothe yourself and each other,

4) Compromise

5) Be tolerant of each other's faults. To me, it sounds a lot like self mastery! Learning to be calm, listen to the other, be patient, and compromise! If we can do those things, our conflicts will be much smoother to work through.

For marriages, I would add a step six--
6) Make sacrifices. I think that is different than a compromise.

When we make sacrifices, give up our pride, or whatever it may be, for our spouse, we are showing true Christ-like love. Contention does not need to be a part of a marriage. If we are humble, and work thorough with these steps, we can be happier in our marriage. When my husband and I don't agree on something, or he wants something one way and I want it another, often it is one of us sacrificing for the other to make them happy. When both partners are doing this, I can' t help but think that there won't be much contention.

This is small and insignificant, but here is my example from this week. My husband and I try to go to the adult institute class once a month. It's a great class, and they have a social thing afterwards. My son just started baseball and has practice now on Friday nights (date night...) - which also happens to be our institute class. Maybe it's a mom thing, but I am perfectly fine not going to the institute class and instead, taking my son to his baseball practice. (He's on the majors now and really has to be there to play in the games!) My husband is pretty adamant about finding someone to take him to and from practice, while a babysitter will be with our daughter at that time. I don't want to deal with the hassle and ask someone to take my son, I want to be there at his practice with him. My husband really wants to be at the institute, so I figured I will just find a number of someone on his team and see if they can pick him up. It's way out of my  comfort zone, but I don't like conflict. I know this is important to my husband and so I will do what I can to make him happy so that we can have our date night! It's not worth it to me to argue over it, especially when it's a date night that he wants! It may not seem like much, but I hate missing any of my kids activities, and depending on someone else. Oh the things we do for those we love! :)