Week 11, March 26, 2016, Ttransition in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

Unity

 

I love how President Eyring started off his talk in an article I read. He shared a scripture in D&C 38:27,  “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” He then says, "And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command! .... Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity." How interesting! Unity is a command. I can see why though, because a team that is not united will never win. As husband and wife we have to be united so that we can teach our children and be successful. My parents were such great examples of this. I don't know what discussions went on when the kids weren't around, but as far as we could see, our parents were one. They only spoke kindly to each other, and never spoke bad about the other when they weren't around. One huge way that I have found this help me in my married life now, is in my husband's church service. My dad was in the stake presidency when I was growing up, and was gone a lot. My mom never ever complained. She always supported him 100%. Now as my husband serves, it is natural for me. I don't get annoyed or speak ill of him or his calling or complain that he isn't around enough. She taught me the importance of unity in serving the Lord.

 

Here are a few things from the reading that I found helpful when it comes to unity.

 

1. How you speak- "There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say. We must speak no ill of anyone. We must see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can" (see David O. McKay, in Conference Report, Oct. 1967, 4–11).

 

2. Have the spirit with us.

3. Keep our baptismal covenants and renew them weekly with the sacrament.

"The sacramental prayer can remind us every week of how the gift of unity will come through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. When we keep our covenants to take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften our hearts and unite us."

 

4. We must forgive and bear no malice toward those who offend us.

 I love the quote, "Offense is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

 

 

5. Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home (Joseph F.Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284).

 

One last thing I wanted to share was a quote I really liked and applies to my life now.

“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits that means to him that you do not care much about him”.

 

This to me was very significant. Parents have to be united in their discipline with children. It is amazing to me how spoiled and entitled children are these days. My kids can be sometimes too! I have to remind myself that giving them everything they want so that they are "happy" is not going to help them or make them happy adults. I have seen kids go to one parent that says no, so they try the other, who will say yes. To me this shows (most often) that the child knows that their parents are not united. Some kids will even pin their parents on each other. It is so important for couples to be united for the benefit of raising emotionally healthy children.



 

Week 10, Transitions in Marriage: Fidelity and physical intimacy

Spencer W. Kimball gives a great definition of the purpose of sex. He said:
“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

God has given us an amazing gift, the ability to make and grow our eternal family unit.

As Latter-day Saints, we hear a lot of perspectives of sex; the many wordly views that include casual sex, pornography, and purely physical attraction.  In the gospel, we learn of the important purpose of sex. We are encouraged to stay away from pornography and things that degrade the sacredness of procreation. Because of the constant inappropriate talk of sex, it is a topic often avoided by Latter-day Saints.

President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76; emphasis added)
                                                                     (My two cuties)

Gottman recounts in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
“So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (1999, pp. 200-201).

 An important step for anyone dealing with inhibitions in this area could be:

1) To begin by writing about, reading about, or discussing with a trusted person your own thoughts and feelings and being attentive to negative perceptions or emotions that affect how you respond sexually to a companion.

2) A second approach to overcoming avoidance of dealing with sexual feelings or challenges in marriage is to think of your sexual relationship as a gospel stewardship.
“Implied are at least three elements that characterize successful stewardship:
         (1) agency, (2) diligence, and (3) accountability

3) A third approach to dealing with inhibitions regarding thoughts and feelings associated with sexual expression in marriage is to pursue a serious and careful study of the scriptures and teachings of the prophets on this topic. Your study should focus on the role of sexuality within the marriage relationship and guidelines for its expression and fulfillment.

4)  seek assistance from a wise counselor, therapist, or other trusted source who can direct you to information and guidance on this topic. 

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

Week 9, Seeking to Understand

The Four Horsemen is a very memorable piece of information that I feel like really stuck with me. They are so important to recognize so that we can keep our marriages happy. 1- Harsh Start-up, 2- Criticism, 3-Defensiveness, 4- Stonewalling.

I feel like these will be very helpful in the future for helping couples and recognizing problems in a marriage.

One of my favorite things from the beginning of the book is this:

"Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each others world. I call this having a richly details love map, - my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  He goes on to say, "Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict."  

I feel like my husband and I have a great love map. We both know very intimate details about each other, we love and look out for each other, and we love to be together. As I read this book by Joh Gottman, I felt very good about my relationship with my husband. He is my best friend, and we love to be together. We are (most of the time) pretty good communicators, and we are both very patient and loving. 

One of my favorite things from the beginning of the book is this:

In Goddard’s  book, I love these quotes from the end of the book:

Marvin J. Ashton made this statement: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings.” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.” Dr. Goddard, pg.110)

“Charity is first and foremost the redemptive love that Jesus offers all of us. It is the love from Christ. He is the model of charity which never faileth.”

In defining charity Goddard quoted Elder Caldwell, "The phrase 'love of Christ' might have meaning in three dimensions: Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ."

I really loved the one by Elder Caldwell. I have never heard this. If we can have true charity for our spouse, we will be like our Heavenly Father.

Week 8, Managing Conflict

I appreciated Brother Norton's question on ways we consecrate ourselves for our spouse or marriage. It really made me think about what it is I give to my marriage. And is it enough? I also had to share this scripture that was shared by Lynn G. Robbins in "Agency and Anger" from the Ensign in 1998. He shared 3 Nephi 11:29. This is a scripture my mom quoted ALL the time growing up. "He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” I mostly remember hearing "Contention is of the devil!" Not surprisingly, I use this all the time with my kids. Conflict and argument is always going to occur in relationships, but remembering that contention is of the devil is so important to remember. It is not what Heavenly Father wants to see in our relationships.

 

In Gottman's book, he suggests 5 steps in helping to handle conflict. They are:

 

1) Soften your startup,

2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts,

3) Soothe yourself and each other,

4) Compromise

5) Be tolerant of each other's faults. To me, it sounds a lot like self mastery! Learning to be calm, listen to the other, be patient, and compromise! If we can do those things, our conflicts will be much smoother to work through.

For marriages, I would add a step six--
6) Make sacrifices. I think that is different than a compromise.

When we make sacrifices, give up our pride, or whatever it may be, for our spouse, we are showing true Christ-like love. Contention does not need to be a part of a marriage. If we are humble, and work thorough with these steps, we can be happier in our marriage. When my husband and I don't agree on something, or he wants something one way and I want it another, often it is one of us sacrificing for the other to make them happy. When both partners are doing this, I can' t help but think that there won't be much contention.

This is small and insignificant, but here is my example from this week. My husband and I try to go to the adult institute class once a month. It's a great class, and they have a social thing afterwards. My son just started baseball and has practice now on Friday nights (date night...) - which also happens to be our institute class. Maybe it's a mom thing, but I am perfectly fine not going to the institute class and instead, taking my son to his baseball practice. (He's on the majors now and really has to be there to play in the games!) My husband is pretty adamant about finding someone to take him to and from practice, while a babysitter will be with our daughter at that time. I don't want to deal with the hassle and ask someone to take my son, I want to be there at his practice with him. My husband really wants to be at the institute, so I figured I will just find a number of someone on his team and see if they can pick him up. It's way out of my  comfort zone, but I don't like conflict. I know this is important to my husband and so I will do what I can to make him happy so that we can have our date night! It's not worth it to me to argue over it, especially when it's a date night that he wants! It may not seem like much, but I hate missing any of my kids activities, and depending on someone else. Oh the things we do for those we love! :)