Week 7 - February 27, 2016 - Beware of Pride

President Benson says that one of the major messages in the Book of Mormon is to beware of pride. He quotes Moroni 8:27, "Behold, the pride of this nation, or the people of the Nephites, hath proven their destruction." I would add myself, the destruction of marriage! President Benson says, "The central feature of pride is enmity- enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellow men. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition." 

In a talk that Dallin H. Oaks gave called Divorce, he said, in reference to divorce, "Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness." President Benson said that selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. I have seen pride (in addition to many other issues) destroy a marriage. My brother in law and his wife were recently divorced. He had anger problems which I believe stemmed from being bi-polar. He knew he had this problem but his pride kept him from dealing with it in a way he should have. He wouldn't accept the fact that he needed medication to help him, and his anger continued. He would place blame on his wife. His unwillingness to deal with the issue was because of his pride. Ultimately, it led to divorce, and it has been so sad to watch.

I think ultimately, Elder Oaks is right! Selfishness is what causes so many problems in marriage. We are more concerned with ourselves than our spouse. President Eyring said," “It will take faith and humility to put her interests above your own in the struggles of life,” President Eyring says. “You have the responsibility to provide for and to nurture her while serving others. That can at times consume all the energy and strength you have. Age and illness may increase your wife’s needs. If you choose even then to put her happiness above your own, I promise you that your love for her will increase.”  I love this! And of course this goes for wives towards their husbands as well.

One other quote I love, outside of this week's reading, is by Elder Nelson. He said, “Above all, do not be selfish! Generate a spirit of selflessness and generosity. Celebrate and commemorate each day together as a treasured gift from heaven.”

 

I know that when I focus of the little irritations in my husband, that it makes me feel negative, and without realizing it, superior. I remind myself that he puts up with my annoyances and doesn't complain. As I have learned to not let the little things bother me, my marriage is strengthened. The little petty things really don't matter if we can let them go easily. Wallace Goddard, from Drawing Marriage Into Your Marriage reminded us that the scriptures tell us to not be prideful. It is better for us to recognize it and  deal with it, then to be compelled to humility.   

didn’t like that I felt he was smarter than I was. He decided it would be best if he didn’t play Scrabble with me! To this day we still don’t play Scrabble.

As I think about pride, I know that my biggest weakness is competitiveness. Until this week, I never really thought of it as a pride issue. I was raised in such a competitive family, to the point it was a little bit ridiculous! Monopoly was and is banned from my parents house, and pretty much all of us kids! There is a time in my early marriage that I was playing Scrabble with my husband, and he kept kicking my butt in it. After a few games I was getting really irritated. I tried very hard not to be upset, but I wanted to win! I  I felt terrible afterwards though because I didn’t want to be like that. It seemed childish to not be able to play a game because I was being immature, and too competitive. Losing a million times is worth it to me to have my husband by my side. After that, I really put effort into calming the competitiveness. It’s not easy, but over time, I got better and better. It helped in my marriage, my relationships with my siblings, and friends. Pride is an ugly thing!

President Benson states, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us.”

President Benson further teaches us that the opposite of pride is humility. As we learn to be meek and submissive as children, we can find the humility and oneness with God and with our loved ones. In Dr. Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” he states, “Humility opens up the experience of others and to truth from heaven. Humility requires not only that we believe in God, that He is all-wise and all-powerful, but also that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses) and be open to our partner’s perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective… Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness,” (pp. 63-64)  

One last favorite quote I wanted to share is from the reading, by Goodard. He says, "We can choose to be humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are." He tells us the pride is burdensome, and I couldn't agree more.

Admitting our wrongs or accepting correction from our spouse can be hard. What has helped me, is that I know my husband has different strengths than me. He is usually right when he points out something (kindly) that can be better. (Usually an attitude toward someone or something like that. I have learned not to let pride keep me from listening to him and learning. I am a better person for it!

Week 6 - Staying Emotionally Connected

Principle 3- Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

 

I love how Gottman says that "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life." He then goes on to describe how important the little things are. He says that the first step in turning toward each other is to simply be aware of how crucial these moments are. He says, "Just realizing they (couples) shouldn't take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship."

 

A few weeks ago my husband and I went out on a date and went to dinner. Him and I were watching some of the people around us, and it was actually kind of sad.We were at the Olive Garden, a place you would think people go to eat and to connect with each other.  There was what looked like a father and daughter, nibbling on their food, both completely engrossed in their cell phones. From what I saw, as long as we were there, they rarely said anything to each other. I thought it was so sad because it's SO important to take advantage of those moments. We saw a couple that was also talking but also had their phones on the table, distracted like they were waiting for a text. Those moments I go out to dinner with my honey are so important to me. We get to talk about things and not worry about little ears listening, and we can hold hands and be flirty without grossing the kids out!  I feel like those moments tell me a lot about our relationship. When we can go out and talk about anything and everything, almost order for each other because we know what the other likes, and take time for each other, our relationship is strengthened. I love when my husband notices something that may seem small, or compliment me on something I think he didn't notice. Those moments are what add so much to our marriage.

 

In the book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, he says, "I believe that if we replace judgement and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquility, but also become one smidgen more like God."  I also love that Brigham Young said, "If you could only see your husband (spouse) as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him." He said the same things to husbands who had "fallen out of love" with their wives. 

This was so powerful to me! If we could only see our spouses as they truly are, and can be, in God's eyes, our relationships would be so different. Goddard says that when we  have vibrant faith in Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character. I don't mean to quote so much, but one last one I loved was from Jeffrey R. Holland. He said, "Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us. Too often we see gospel commitments and commandments as something to be feared and forsaken."  It makes me so sad when I see couples getting divorced. Those trials that the couples face, if worked out together and with God, and taken as an opportunity to grow and be better, can make us more like God!

Week 5 - Cherishing Your Spouse

I found some great quotes that have to do cherishing your spouse. They come from Dr. Gottman's book, The Seven Principles to make marriages work. They are fantastic!

 

"Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each others world. I call this having a richly details love map, - my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  He goes on to say, "Couples who have detailed love maps of each others world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict."

 

This is so very true. Often when things get hard, the ones we take it out on are those closest to us. I have tried in my married life to not do this. I have caught myself, but remind myself that my husband is there to support me and love me, and if I'm in a bad mood, he shouldn't have to suffer! Instead, I lean on him. He's my best friend. He eases my burden and just knowing that he cares makes such a difference. He knows me so well, and when hard times hit, we know how to help each other through it.

 

"The best test of whether a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system is usually how they view their past."

 

"Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long lasting romance. Although married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect."   Gottman says that is a couple still has fondness and admiration, their marriage is salvageable. But if your mutual fondness and admiration have been completely extinguished, your marriage is in dire trouble.

 

"There's nothing complicated about reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration. Even long- buried positive feelings can be exhumed simply by thinking and talking about them. When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened." 

 

My husband is my very best friend in the whole world!! I'd rather hang out with him over any of my friends any day. We can talk about anything and everything, and enjoy to be together. We get along great, and are pretty good at ignoring the small irritating things. I know that I appreciate him so much. He works so hard to provide for the family, he serves faithfully in the church, and is a great dad and husband. It seems dumb to get mad over a simple thing that doesn't matter. I know I don't show him enough how grateful I am, and getting upset over something dumb would make me seem very ungrateful for him. I am blessed, and thankful for my honey!

 

Week 4 - Four Horsemen and Divorce

I learned some interesting things this week from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman)! 

It's a great book so far! I think he said he has a 91% accuracy for predicting divorce. Here the signs:

1. Harsh start up. 
He says the most obvious indicator is the way a marriage begins. I have to say I have seen this myself. My husband's best friend got married about 10 years ago. His wife and I instantly clicked and I thought she was wonderful! On the day of their marriage, before the reception, she got upset about something her new husband had done. I still remember her comment, "He'll be lucky now if he get's some on his wedding night." I thought, "OH MY!!!" Threatening that on your wedding day?? What did he do? Not the best way to start a marriage. They just fought way too much. Sure enough, about 6 years later, they divorced. But that was after many, many years of fighting and problems.

2. The second sign was "The Four Horsemen"
Horseman # 1- Criticism- Gottman explains the big difference in complaints, and criticism. Complaining focuses on the behavior or event. Criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about the others character or personality. Horseman # 2- Contempt - This arises from a sense of superiority over one's partner. # 3- Defensiveness- Defensiveness escalates a conflict. Horseman # 4- Stonewalling- In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out. This is called stonewalling

3. The third sign is flooding. 
usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, which is a sensation called flooding. It occurs when your spouses negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay.

4. The fourth sign is Body Language.
Ursela, the villain octopus from The Little Mermaid, said to Ariel, "Don't underestimate the importance of Body Language!"  

In John Gottman's book, he says that flooding is very physically distressing. IT causes the heart to speed up to as high as 165. Hormonal changes also occur, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the "fight or flight response." Blood pressure rises. If this happens to often in a marriage often, it changes the dynamics and ends in divorce.  Men and women are so different. Gottman says that most "stonewallers" are the husbands- mainly because of their evolutionary heritage.

5. The fifth sign is Failed Repair Attempts
Gottman says that a crucial part of a couple's pattern is whether their repair attempts succeed or fail. Repair attempts are the efforts the couple makes. In unhappy marriages a feedback loop develops between the four horsemen and the failure of repair attempts. The mroe contemptuous and defensive the couple are with each toher, the mroe flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair.

6. The sixth sign is bad memories.
When a relationship gets flooded with negativity, it's not only the couple's present and future life together that are put at risk. Their past is in danger, too. Gottman said that most happy couples tend to look back on the early days of marriage with fondness. When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten.