Week 4 - Four Horsemen and Divorce

I learned some interesting things this week from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman)! 

It's a great book so far! I think he said he has a 91% accuracy for predicting divorce. Here the signs:

1. Harsh start up. 
He says the most obvious indicator is the way a marriage begins. I have to say I have seen this myself. My husband's best friend got married about 10 years ago. His wife and I instantly clicked and I thought she was wonderful! On the day of their marriage, before the reception, she got upset about something her new husband had done. I still remember her comment, "He'll be lucky now if he get's some on his wedding night." I thought, "OH MY!!!" Threatening that on your wedding day?? What did he do? Not the best way to start a marriage. They just fought way too much. Sure enough, about 6 years later, they divorced. But that was after many, many years of fighting and problems.

2. The second sign was "The Four Horsemen"
Horseman # 1- Criticism- Gottman explains the big difference in complaints, and criticism. Complaining focuses on the behavior or event. Criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about the others character or personality. Horseman # 2- Contempt - This arises from a sense of superiority over one's partner. # 3- Defensiveness- Defensiveness escalates a conflict. Horseman # 4- Stonewalling- In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out. This is called stonewalling

3. The third sign is flooding. 
usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, which is a sensation called flooding. It occurs when your spouses negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay.

4. The fourth sign is Body Language.
Ursela, the villain octopus from The Little Mermaid, said to Ariel, "Don't underestimate the importance of Body Language!"  

In John Gottman's book, he says that flooding is very physically distressing. IT causes the heart to speed up to as high as 165. Hormonal changes also occur, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the "fight or flight response." Blood pressure rises. If this happens to often in a marriage often, it changes the dynamics and ends in divorce.  Men and women are so different. Gottman says that most "stonewallers" are the husbands- mainly because of their evolutionary heritage.

5. The fifth sign is Failed Repair Attempts
Gottman says that a crucial part of a couple's pattern is whether their repair attempts succeed or fail. Repair attempts are the efforts the couple makes. In unhappy marriages a feedback loop develops between the four horsemen and the failure of repair attempts. The mroe contemptuous and defensive the couple are with each toher, the mroe flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair.

6. The sixth sign is bad memories.
When a relationship gets flooded with negativity, it's not only the couple's present and future life together that are put at risk. Their past is in danger, too. Gottman said that most happy couples tend to look back on the early days of marriage with fondness. When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten.